woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
