Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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