My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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