I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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