fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
