Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
