If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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