I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
