I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
