Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
