i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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