I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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