She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
