What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
