so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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