That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
