My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
