Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
