So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
