i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
