No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
