Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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