I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
