true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
