Taylor Swift is so right about you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
