we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
