my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
