i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
