When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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