If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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