we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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