Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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