if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
