Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
