I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
