I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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