my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the raccoons are back...
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