Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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