I accidentally had phone sex last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
