absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
