thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
