Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i think i just lost a toe
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
