god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
