i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
