I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
