I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
