I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
