The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
