i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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