Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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